I’m feeling so downhearted tonight. I met with my two best friends tonight for one of our traditional gabfests at Bread Co. For the first time I can remember, being around the two of them did not buoy my spirits. In fact, I think I felt lower when I left than before I got there. MC has had a tough few weeks as a student at her school was killed in a car wreck and two more seriously injured. MB reminisced about a student of her’s who killed herself. The tone of the conversation just got lower and lower. Where’s the spirited interaction and adolescent inside jokes that I’ve come to count on? I feel badly that I was not able to bring the conversation up and distract my friends as they have so often done for me. By the end of the evening, the crowded chatter and clinking silverware sounds around me were like sandpaper on my soul. I was glad to leave even though I cried in the car on the way home.
When the twins first died, people often remarked that they wondered if they would “lose” me this time. Not my life, but emotionally/spiritually. I didn’t think at the time it could happen but every time I start progressing in my healing, some crappy thing happens and I’m sucked down again. Some days are ok but by the end of almost every day, it feels that I’m barely keeping my head above water.
I miss all my babies so much. It hurts so badly sometimes I can’t breath or think or move. I feel broken
A lot has happened in the past few weeks and I know I need to write about it. I’m not sure why I’m not being called to write as I once was. I will try to find time to make myself catch up here soon.
Greyson, Mavis, Jack and Aaron, I love you so much every minute.