As I’ve found in the past, the days leading up to the third anniversary of my first son’s death were much worse than the anniversary itself. I felt plenty of support on the actual day but the days before and after….feel so sad and empty. Constantly wondering what he’d be like if he’d lived. He’d be two and a half and this season would have been so different if he’d lived. Missing his brothers and sister so much it encompasses me and wishing so badly that I was in the NICU with them instead of being felled to my knees by their absence. All their absences.
But the “opening” of Jack and Aaron’s Memorial Library softened things a bit if in a somber way. My coworkers had collected money while I was in the hospital for flowers but I was home before they could be sent and I kept the funeral date from them because I wanted things as simple as possible. Do you know those wonderful people collected 150 dollars? I decided to buy books to donate to our school library and with the help of our school librarian and my wonderful friend it grew into this little memorial library. I’ve been obsessing over every detail. It took me weeks to design their book labels. It made me feel so insane to obsess like that but I’ve came to realize when I was working on decorating the frame with the stars that it makes me feel like I’m mothering them the best I can. So many moments of so many days I wonder how the hell I’m surviving….it’s been obsessing on this and a couple other projects that have kept me away from the edge so I will keep doing things for them. I can’t kiss them, or bathe them, or hold them or rock them to sleep or read to them or change their diapers or worry about them or watch them sleep or let others fuss over them or wrap Christmas gifts for them…so I will glue glittery things to wood shapes and obsess over that….instead.
61/365 – Jack and Aaron’s Stars
62/365 – Three Years Wtihout Greyson
63/365 – Happy Birthday Greyson/Grand Opening Jack and Aaron Library
64/365 – M and Corduroy
65/365 – L and Pokey Little Puppy
66/365 – First Donations
67/365 – Clara’s Book Label
68/365 – Greyson’s Book Label
69/365 – Mavis’ Book Label
70/365 – Jack and Aaron’s Book Label
71/365 – “Opening” of Jack and Aaron’s Library