My first born son, you should be two and a half years old this Christmas. If you were here, you would be full of the wonder of the season and into everything. You would have ohhed and ahhed at all the lights. We would have gone to see Mr. B playing Santa and I would have bought that overpriced photograph and treasured it always. I wonder if you would have cried or would wiggles and squirms have been your style with the jolly, fat man. I hope it would have been all smiles for you, my Sweet Pea, during this Christmas season.
Maybe you would be old enough now to chirp your way through Away In a Manger or Jingle Bells. I know our home would have been filled with holiday music and I would be singing to you and with you always. You would be able play with our toy Nativity and learn the names of all the figures. Not old enough yet to help make cookies but I’m sure you’d eat your share. I wish I was one of the harried moms I see in the stores who look weary and desperate to get everything done just right. I would want everything done perfectly for you, my beautiful boy.
I would have helped you make ornaments with your sweet, little handprint and maybe your Maw Maw would have done some craft projects with you too. You would have spent time roughhousing with your uncle and your aunt would have kissed and tickled you. You would have gone shopping with Paw Paw and I on our annual Christmas shopping trip. Or we would have started a new tradition and he would have taken you shopping while I would have stayed home to wrap your gifts for Christmas morning. Maybe I would have sent an adorable photo card with you in a little Christmas sweater or maybe we would have had a family portrait taken with your cousins. No family photo will ever seem complete to me without you, dear son.
What would have been the special gift you would have opened in your small footie pajamas this year? A tricycle or toy trucks or a little basketball hoop? I wish I knew. I’m sure you would have gone racing around Maw Maw’s house, tormenting the kittens and dogs and being chased by your cousins. I think we would have gone home in the afternoon for a nap I would have needed just as much as you and returned in the evening for games and dessert.
I don’t know if you’d be an only child, Sweet Pea, or if I would have gone ahead with trying to grow our family. Regardless, I now think of you as the big brother. I know you are watching out for Jack and Aaron and little Mavis Emily. I had thought when they came along that you’re life hadn’t been in vain. I’m so sorry, my beautiful boy, that I wasn’t able to make you the big brother to two living boys here on Earth. It is greatly unfair that you are all where I cannot be right now. Please, please look down upon me and let me know it’s going to be all right, child of my heart, my perfect boy, my oldest son. I love you more than words can express and am waiting for the day we can all be together.