Jack and Aaron’s Christmas Letter 2013

Dear Jack and Aaron,

My perfect twin Sparks.  I wish you were still alive inside me.  I’d give anything to be hugely, miserably pregnant with you kicking my insides to pieces and dancing on my bladder.  Or at the very least, I wish we were spending Christmas in the NICU where I could worry and watch over your every breath.  I would have done anything to make that happen including giving up my own life so you could continue yours on this Earth.   You’ll never know how completely sorry I am that I wasn’t able to fully take care of you until you were able to survive in the outside world.  You deserved better than I was able to give you.

I remember your Maw Maw and I talking about you while I was pregnant.  She sang out that we’d have Christmas babies.  I wish with all my heart she had been right.   You were loved and anticipated by so many, my sweet ones.  It’s with my whole heart I wish to see those “First Christmas” ornaments on the tree.  It should have been the most special Christmas of my life instead of the first of many to survive without you.

As with your big brother, I never spoke out loud to you while I was pregnant but I hope you felt every joyful, loving thought I had for you both.  Unlike your big brother, I know what kind of little boys you would have been.  Mischievous and very active, is my guess.  Keeping me happily on the run and wearing me out every day.  But I’m unsure what kind of babies you would have been, if you’d survived.  I hope I would have loved and cherished every minute of your babyhood, even if it had been sleepless, colicky and worrisome.

When you were born, Jack, I changed deep inside the moment you were placed in my arms.   Aaron, you made the tiniest of squeaks when you came and I fell in love with you.  I wasn’t prepared for the overwhelmingly full and flawless joy I felt in my soul when I held each of you for the first time even knowing you both wouldn’t be with me for long.  I’ve never felt more like a mother than when you were both close to me.  I was complete during your exceedingly short lives and torn asunder when you left me.  I won’t be able to feel fully joyful or complete again until I am once more with you and your siblings.

You were both doted on and loved by everyone who was in the room when you were born and by many, many more from afar.  You are still loved by so many, my sweet sons.  I won’t ever let you be forgotten.  I can still feel the spot on my cheek where I held you close.  You were each beautiful and perfect.  I wish with all my heart you could have stayed with me.  I hope you did not suffer during your short lives but felt only the immense love that was there for you.    I think of you always and miss you with every beat of my heart.  I love you with every thing I am, more than can be put into words.

Mama

Jack and Aaron Christmas Candle

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2 comments on “Jack and Aaron’s Christmas Letter 2013

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