161/365 – Kindergarteners singing “I Believe I Can Fly” for our African American History Program
162/365 – The second graders sang a song about Nelson Mandela.
163/365 – ES, the other teacher who was pregnant but got to keep her baby. I love her so much but it hurts so badly to see her looking tired and knowing she was up with her precious daughter in the wee hours. The truth is I’ve been having stalkerish feelings about her and Baby Charlot.te. If I could, I would show up at her house a few times a week to hold and cuddle that little baby while my heart cried. I would buy her presents and take many photos of her. I would come to birthday parties and graduations through the years. I would watch her grow up. I would become an aunt to her as ES is an only child. I know it’s not possible. ES would do anything for me if she could but she’s uncomfortable around me. I can feel her tense up when people bring up Charlot.te around me. Ruth the Counselor says she had a form of survivor’s guilt. When she looks at me, she thanks God that what happened to us didn’t happen to her.
After school on Friday, I had to take a different way home to do some errands and she was driving in front of me. I promise it was a coincidence, I wasn’t following her on purpose. I wondered why she was going this way since I know she usually takes the interstate home. After a while, I realized….she goes this way everyday now to pick up her daughter at the babysitter. The babysitter I was looking into sharing with her for the remainder of this school year. It would have been only for a few days a week because I wanted to go back part time if I had to go back at all this year. She should have been our babysitter too. God, it hurt so much. I should be driving that route every day to pick up my twins. I should be talking to Miss Sharon every day about how the boys were doing and what was needed for them. I should be tireder than tired because I should be up during the wee hours rocking my babies. Why Why WHY did I have to lose everything while she kept everything. It was one of those moments that are now, few and far between. One where I wonder if I really will survive living without my sons.