Over, I Think

I told SC that I was fine to just wait until she lets me know it’s time to do something on my end to progress the adoption of A’s baby but I think about that poor 14 year old child every day and tonight I broke down and called.  Looks to me like it’s over.  SC said it’s been crazy at school and she hasn’t been able to talk to the school social worker or to pull A aside to talk to her privately but she knew from side conversations in the classroom that A is now living with the boyfriend’s family and that she’s talking to her friends about what she’s going to name the baby.  So I figure the boyfriend’s parents have stepped up and offered to support A and their grandchild.

SC said A has felt the baby kick.  I know from experiencing that myself that it makes things more real…the love becomes more intense and your thoughts and emotions turn more inward.  I became very distracted from my every day tasks once my babies started bubbling inside me.

Nothing’s for sure,  she could still change her mind 100 times before it’s all over.

Strange…the waiting was so different.  When I  myself was pregnant or even waiting to find out if I was, I loved the baby with all my heart and thought about it all the time.  There was never a minute in the day when pregnancy and my baby wasn’t on my mind and in my heart.   Even leading up to a frozen embryo transfer, I loved my embies more than anything or anyone on Earth.   During this recent time, I didn’t think about the baby or try to imagine the future too much.  I didn’t imagine a nursery or think of possible names or plan a future for my life that included a child.   There was not that constant pervasion of my thoughts as in the past.   I thought a lot about the 14 year old baby and I probably will continue.  I pray for her every day.

I knew it was a slim chance from the beginning but I am downhearted about it, of course but not dismally so.  We just weren’t far enough along in the process for me to be drawn too far back down with sadness.  Perhaps more dark feelings will come eventually.

This whole situation has pulled my thoughts to a different place and that is a good thing.  By no means do I think “anything is possible” like I used to when I was young.  But now I’m open to the possibility that something could happen.

Also, I feel so much better about my friendship with SC.  We just haven’t been the same friends we once were in a long time.  We’re still not and I don’t know what my feelings may be if she’s successful with getting pregnant and having a child.  But… her doing this for me has given me a glimpse of my old friend.  The one who would do anything for me and who I know loves me and will be my friend forever.



Side notes:  Some people have asked questions in the comments.  I’ll try to answer them here.

My first instance was to take in the 14 year old girl herself.  Finish raising her and basically raise the baby too.  If my life had followed a more typical track, I would probably have a teenager or two by now so it didn’t seem too much of a giant leap to me.  Every one I’ve mentioned this to thinks it is not a good idea at all.   Then I would have no rights to the baby and she could take off with it at any time.  Someone said she could just use me to support them until she aged out of the system or felt she could get on her feet herself then take the baby away.  SC’s brother, who is a judge, said she could do whatever she wanted with the baby and I would have no say and if she took it away there would be no way to get it back.

I don’t know anything about A’s plans for the future concerning college etc.  but SC said she knew she would never be able to overcome the life she’s in now with a baby at 14.  Daughter of a druggie, kicked out of her aunt’s house, on welfare, family screwed up.  Also, SC told me tonight that A’s mother gave birth to A when she was 14 so it sounds like a generational thing.  She might be looking at herself and thinking “My mom had me at 14 and I turned out ok”.  I wish she would make the decision for herself and the baby (and me) that we all know would bring better lives to us all.

Someone a while back asked about surrogacy.    Way back when…Em did offer to carry a child for me  but said she didn’t want to carry any of the embryos made from her own eggs.  At the time she said this, she didn’t realize I actually still had 3 frozen embryos from previous cycles with anonymously donated eggs.  When she found out, she didn’t exactly retract her offer but she took several steps back.  She would hesitate when she talked about it and never talked about it unless I brought it up first.

Also, I did some research and realized everything I would have to cover financially and knew even if she agreed to do it for free, it just wasn’t possible.  An outside surrogate was and is certainly out of the question.  Further, I know bad things still happen to women while giving birth, not very often these days but still….I could never live with myself if something happened to Em.

That was all well before Jack and Aaron.  Now, even if it were possible, I don’t think I could live through something like that.   I’m too broken in a way that will never completely heal.  The human heart can only take so much….


3 comments on “Over, I Think

  1. While I am glad A is getting some support, I wish she could understand how much better life would be for the child. I can understand your hesitancy about surrogacy and other issues. Things are possible though and I hope that there is joy ahead.

  2. My first thought wasn’t about the welfare of A and her baby but I really do hope they have a good life. My first thought was that if it is really over I’m glad it’s now and not after you are deeply, emotionally invested into it.

  3. I’m so sorry. I know this is a disappointment and a loss even with being careful not to become too emotionally invested. It’s interesting though about the discussion to take in A and her baby. There are definitely risks there however maybe it could turn into something later. If not with this girl than maybe another child. Hugs to you.

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