Easter Without Jack and Aaron

I can’t stop thinking about what Easter should have been like.  I’ve actually been in a funk for a few days thinking about it.  Actually this whole spring warm up has me feeling sorrowful.  It means my time of deep mourning is over or at least should be easing up.

I saw an outfit similar to this one a few weeks ago and I am still picturing what my three month old boys should have looked like dressed like this for our first holiday together.   I think the one I saw had a little bow tie though.  I hate that I obsess like that. They would have looked so darling and I would have posted dozens of pics, instead of being plagued with every body on Earth’s adorable Easter kid pics.  Yet I just couldn’t stay off FB…what a waste of time and heart to be on there so much.  Also, people post dumb things like this…I guess some people believe it but I don’t anymore.  Like I said, I just can’t seem to help torturing myself this way.

I’m usually the one who hosts the Easter brunch at my house but I just didn’t feel like it this year.  My home is a wreck and all I feel like doing is eating huge amounts of Easter candy and sleeping.  It’s been a bit grim over here although no body really knows how it’s been.  I put up a good front.  I don’t want people to worry.  I will be ok…forever incomplete and broken but…ok.

Mom asked me a couple times what we should do for Easter and even when I said a few times that I just didn’t care if we did anything, I knew she was working on it in her mind.  She finally spoke to C who acted like Dad and I were crazy for considering the sunrise service and said something like “Well we have to do something, we have kids, you know.”  Yes, C I’m exceedingly aware that you have kids.   And that I do not.

This is what I mean by the time of deep grieving coming to a close.  Soon people will begin to forget that I’m the mother to three sweet Sparks and I will be expected to be normal…not just hold up a good front by acting like I am.   I know that if the boys had lived no one would expect a big dinner out of me and every measure would have been taken to work around our new family.  Maybe it even would have been their Christening day.

Dad, Mom and I did go to the sunrise service.  The first ecumenical Easter service in our town.  I believe that is a fancy word for more than one religion.  It was lovely and as usual Pastor J really shone brightly.  Although, I talk a lot on here about sorrow and pain, I wouldn’t be even be alive to talk about it without Christ at my center.

Then, after a bunch of research into local restaurants and calling back and forth, it was decided we should all go to a little small town restaurant near us.  It’s actually attached to a truck stop….hello, midwest farm country.  We had the sweetest little old waitress serving up country cookin’ and it was good to see everyone.  I had dug some little dollar store item from my closet to give to Dollface, since I couldn’t even be bothered to get the girls something like I usually do.  She seemed pleased with it anyway.   It was all over by 9:30 and I spent the rest of the day sleeping, watching TV and working on grad class stuff.

Greyson, Mavis, Jack and Aaron, I miss you so much every day with every heartbeat.  Hope you’re still running Aunt Alys and the Grandmas ragged with your cowboy boots in Heaven.  Don’t worry about your old mom….she might have trouble breathing without you but she’s doing ok.   Love you forever, my sweet Sparks and my Sweet Pea.



4 comments on “Easter Without Jack and Aaron

  1. Paige, I hate that people seem to forget or to expect you to be somewhere emotionally that you are not. I hope that your brother is just not thinking with what he says and not really so incredibly stupid as to forget about your babies or to expect you to “play nice” for his family. I wish I had the words that would help but I know that most of this is merely Charley Brown’s teacher talking right now.

  2. I am so so sorry. I so wish that your ride was an easier one. The easter bunny is supposed to symbolize life springing forth. It must be an extremely difficult time for you.

  3. The reason there is so much inspirational stuff online is because only the happy and satisfied people post. The people who things didn’t turn out for don’t complain but just keep their sorrow to themselves. It’s just like society expecting us to forget lost children because it makes them feel more comfortable if they can pretend miscarriage and losses didn’t happen. It’s all about them. Don’t feel that you have to heal on anyone else’s schedule.

    I have a friend who lost an adult son a few years ago. We were out for dinner and she thanked me for letting her talk about her son. I was shocked she felt compelled to thank me. I find it incredible that people would rather not hear her talk about her son.

    I wish we lived closer so we could talk.

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