One Year Ago Ultrasound

One year ago today, I was twenty glorious weeks pregnant. I went to the high risk ob for our anatomy scan. Em and Mom went with me. God, what a joyful and laughter filled ride there it was. I remember feeling so giddy. I just knew my twins were a boy and a girl. I couldn’t wait to find out for sure.

When we got there and were walking to the office, my mom was doing her usual small town, “How did you ever find your way through all this?” schtick. I realized I’d forgotten my phone in the car and wanted it for the camera so Em offered to go back to get it once she saw where the office was. That ended up being a waste of time because they wouldn’t let us take any pictures in the ultrasound room.

I remember laying there with my belly exposed and not feeling a bit embarrassed, only excited anticipation. The tech was talkative and sweet. She asked once or twice was I SURE I wanted to know the babies’ sex. Although, I was so very sure they were a boy and a girl, I, of course, wanted her to tell me for sure. She barely touched me with the wand before she said, “They’re both…..boys!”. We were all so happy. So so happy. Overflowing with joy. It was one of the happiest moments of my life, perhaps the happiest.

Mom wanted to step out and call Dad, Em immediately wanted her sister to know. Stretch had been texting me on the sly from school. I can’t remember the order of things but everybody got called or texted before we left the office. Mom said Dad’s reaction was to say I’d have my hands full. Once again, I wasn’t the one who told most people about them being boys but I was ok with that this time. I had decided somewhere along the line to share my pregnancy with as many people as I could and I knew the joy it brought others to be the one to share the news.

The second I was told they were both boys, I knew in my heart my little lost triplet had been a girl and I did feel a diminutive bit of sadness for us. For the four of us:  me, her and her brothers who would grow up without their sister. Then, I told Em that if one had been a girl, she would have been named after her, either Mavis Emily or Harper Emily. Em seemed very pleased to know this. In my heart, I already felt the lost triplet was Mavis Emily.  I remember in the days that followed wondering if I would ever tell the boys about their little lost sister.

The anatomy scan went on and I fell in love with those images. Both boys weighed the same, 13 ounces. They were wiggling and twirling on that screen. Even now I smile when I think about it. I remember Mom kept asking Em about her dad and her sister, and I was wishing she would shut up because this was the most important day of my pregnancy. The tech measured absolutely everything and told us the placenta, fluid, cords and sacs all looked perfect. We laughed watching them wiggle around and I still remember seeing the baby I think became Jack yawning on the screen.

She also did an internal ultrasound and said something about the cervix but of course we had to wait for the doctor to find out any details. When we did talk to him, he gave some numbers which I don’t remember and even now still know what they meant, but he also said the cerclage was doing its job. He seemed to think it wasn’t the greatest situation in the world, but not the worst either. When I asked if I should modify my activity, he asked me about my daily routine and then didn’t recommend doing anything differently.

How I hate that doctor now and the memory of him. The common sense part of me knows nothing could have stopped what was going to happen but my heart will always wonder and wonder if he could have done something, anything to save us. I would have done anything, anything including giving up my own life, if theirs’ could have been saved. I still would.

I was walking three feet off the ground on the way back to the car but I was quiet. Em asked me if I was disappointed they were both boys. I told her no, I was glad. I couldn’t wait to be a boy mom but I was worried about this shortened cervix business. I don’t recall what we talked about on the way home, but I do remember the bubbly feeling of my heart overflowing with happiness and excitement.

In the days that followed, I started planning a cowboy themed nursery in my mind and well as a million other things that had to be done before they came. C and Stretch invited me over for a celebratory dinner.  Stretch made blue frosted mini-cupcakes.  Dollface told me their names should be Jack and Aaron.  I think I talked to SC about starting plans for a shower.

I told everybody at work on Monday by writing “Boy” on my right hand and again on my left and then making them pick a hand or just flashing it at them. I received many hugs and excited congratulations. Jae congratulated herself on correctly predicting her “nephews” and started planning on what kind of cowboy/Joh.n D.eere booties to buy. ES and I were happily pregnant together comparing notes about all the wonders we were each experiencing. She had decided to keep the sex of her baby a secret. I told her she was stronger than I, being able to keep that secret so long. I came home from the hospital without my boys on the day of her gender revealing shower.

I look at the images that were given to me again and again and again and try to envision our little family’s life.

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4 comments on “One Year Ago Ultrasound

  1. I remember being so excited and hopeful for you a year ago. I remember worrying when you told us that your cervix was shortening. Now that you have admitted how you feel about the doctor, I will tell you that I have hated your doctors since you first wrote to tell us Jack and Aaron were gone. I love you and admire your strength and grace during some of the most horrendous times anyone could ever face.

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