Things I should enjoy but I can’t fully because something nags at me:
My parents’ annual farm open house: This caused me a lot of anxiety this year because I kept thinking about last year. My dad REFUSED to cancel it even though it was 9 days after Jack and Aaron died and 4 days after their funeral. I was hurting so badly physically and emotionally and couldn’t bear the thought of a crowd. My mom was worked down to a frazzle trying to take care of me and get ready for what became Dad’s party along with bearing her own grief. The whole scene was just dreadful and I couldn’t get these thoughts from my mind. What should have been a fun time catching up with family and neighbors became something I had to take a Xanie to deal with.
Shopping for Clothes: First of all, I think about how I shouldn’t be able to afford new clothes because my budget should be stretching just to cover two babies’ expenses. Then there’s the reason I need new clothes, which is because I’ve gained so much weight since the boys died.
Cooking: I do enjoy cooking and I always have, but these days when I even think about really cooking for myself, it depresses me because it reminds me how I was looking forward to cooking for two growing boys and getting to know each of their favorite dishes. I especially think about what a joy it would be to provide big pots of soup and hearty “breakfast for dinners” for two teenagers. When I was growing up, we always made Chef B.oy A.rdee pizzas on Sunday nights and watched “The Wonderful World of Dis.ney”. I wanted to recreate traditions like that for my little family.
Taking out the trash: I know it sounds dumb, but every Friday when I drag my half full trash can out to the curb, I imagine how it should be full of smelly diapers and other baby stuff.
Riding my Bike: I shouldn’t have time for this. I should be taking long walks with a double stroller instead. I nearly always get too inside my head while riding and at some point cry. It is ridiculous and it makes me feel insane.
Talking to my friend at work: The one I was pregnant with. Don’t get me wrong, she’s been nothing but kind and gracious. She doesn’t often mention her daughter but even so when we talk I think about how we should be comparing everything from sleep patterns to temper tantrums. I recently overheard her talking to someone else about her daughter’s ladybug Halloween costume and it was like a knife in the heart. We should be sharing all these things and our children should be friends.
Lots more I could write here…these are just some of the odd ones…