My dear oldest, Greyson,
You would be about 4 years old this Christmas. I think it might have been the most magical one of your life. You would have been in preschool and old enough to be in the church Christmas program for the first time this year and I would have been so proud. We would have practiced your songs around the house and in the car until we both had them memorized and I’m sure we would be sick of them. It would have been a joy to go to the practices with you and your cousin Dollface. I think the two of you would have become close by now because you two are the closest in age. You would have been such a handsome little boy dressed up in your bow tie or perhaps a sweater. I know you would have been one of Pastor J’s favorites. Maw Maw and Paw Paw would have been so pleased to see you sing and perform.
By now you would be old enough to begin understanding all the age old traditions and I hope we would have created new ones for our little family too. Advent calendar, taking a drive with blankets and hot cocoa to see Christmas lights, Elf on the Shelf, new P.J.s on Christmas Eve, telling the story of the Nativity and letting you play with the pieces, Christmas books and Christmas acts of kindness would have been a few. You might be big enough this year to enjoy the classic Christmas movies, Charlie Brown, Rudolph, Frosty and all the rest. We would have been busy in the month of December, my beautiful boy, and I would have enjoyed every moment.
I would have experienced so much joy seeing the holiday through your eyes and making it magical for you. I ache to know what your wide eyed face would have looked like on Christmas morning. What would Santa have brought my sweet Greyson? Maybe a swing set or a bike with training wheels or a little red wagon. I am sure there would have been John Deere toy tractors under the tree for my little farm kid and maybe a pedal tractor too. Some new boots just your size and Carhartt overalls or a coat to keep you snug while you play in the snow or follow your uncle around the farm.
Maybe you’d have two little one year old brothers trying to follow you around all the time. Maybe you’d be too young to understand why they would have been so needy and taking so much of my attention but I hope you’d be Mama’s big boy and helper when you could. This house should have been a wild home full of boys and babies, laughing, crying, busyness, stress and joy. I am sorry every day that it isn’t that way. It feels very quiet without you and your brothers here. I am ok, my Greyson, but I sure do miss you with every beat of my heart and love you so much it hurts.
Merry Christmas, my darling Sweet Pea.
My Darling Twins, Jack and Aaron,
You would have still been my babies this year. About one year old, you would have been on the move and jabbering up a storm, I’m sure. I wonder if you would have had a twin language of your own and would one of your first words have been “Mama”. I think I would have shed a tear of joy when I heard either of you call me that.
You’d be too little to understand our traditions but I would start them with you, of course. Reading all the old favorite Christmas books and singing my favorite songs to you. Maw Maw would have made both of you stockings and bought you the first of your yearly ornaments. We would be close to Maw Maw, Paw Paw and everyone in the family because with two little babies, I would have needed a lot of help. Maybe we would have moved in with your grandparents and become a three generation home.
I can just see you two boys warm and rosy cheeked in your fuzzy footie pajamas, your faces lighting up at the sight of our Christmas tree. Your big brother would explain the figures of the Nativity to you and help me teach you to sing Away in a Manger and Jingle Bells. I would eaves drop and smile when I heard Greyson talking to you both, maybe telling you about Santa coming to visit.
There would be two cribs and two faces to kiss every night. I don’t think I would have dressed you alike but maybe for your first few holidays there would be special outfits, coordinating if not matching. Everywhere we went you would garner attention with your twin cuteness. I wonder how your shy mother would have handled that. With a smile, I hope. I know I would have been stressed, tired and busy but I hope I would have enjoyed every moment of your babyhood and given you lots of smiles and giggles. I wish with all my heart I’d had a chance to.
Would you have cared what Santa brought you this year? Probably you have been happy to play in the boxes and munch your way through the ribbons. What gifts would one year old twins have received? Building blocks, a water table, Fisher Price this or that? I know there would have been books and stuffed animals…and so much love for you both, My Sweet Sparks.
I think about you every day and miss you so much it hurts. I wish more than anything we were one big, messy, sticky, noisy, laughing, loving family right now. Although I know you are with me, you boys, along with Mavis Emily, are three parts of me that are always missing. I love you more than words can express and can’t wait to be with you in Heavenly Peace.
Merry Christmas, My Sweet Sparks,