Past Few Days

Been pretty shitty around here the past few days.  I read something I shouldn’t have on FB.  Stupid FB.  That letter to a doctor that’s going around the community.  Beautiful letter.  It took me right back to when the sad, bad things happened and I’ve felt fragile and emotional since I read it.

My God, I wish things had gone differently…a million different ways differently.

Show up for school thinking it will be a regular week but there are teachers out.  We can’t get subs so guess who has to abandon their own job again to cover someone’s classroom.   I don’t really mind doing this once in a while but it’s been happening so much lately.

Monday, I covered a third grade class whose young teacher is in the hospital for an extended stay.  A sub showed up mid-morning and I thought I would be free to teach my groups.   At lunch ES, who was pregnant while I was and whose daughter is 15 months old talks about Charlotte who is sick at home with RSV.  Her hubby calls back after calling the doctor and tells ES they have to take her to the hospital.  ES begins to cry and I do too.  Others thought it was in sympathy but it was really because all I could think of was that I would give anything to be tending two sick toddlers right now, instead of covering ES’s class.   I actually went into the bathroom and had a sizable breakdown before pulling myself together.  I haven’t cried out loud at school in a very long time.

I go into her classroom while the students are still at lunch to make sure there are plans and she’s still in there preparing materials for the afternoon. Stupid, insensitive me…I actually said something to her about what I’m feeling.   Something like, “I know it’s morbid, but I wish I was in your spot.”  What the fuck was I thinking saying that to a scared mother who is about to take her daughter to the hospital.  She was perfectly understanding about it saying it wasn’t morbid, it just means I want them here and hugged me but later when I texted to see how Charlotte was, I couldn’t blame her for not answering.

Then I had to go to stupid class.  I cried all the way there and was feeling pretty raw walking in.  Thank God, my presentation was last week and I could be low key this week.  I did ok until the dumb professor starts talking about her daughter trying old wives tales to predict the sex of the child she’s pregnant with.  I could hardly stand it.  I shot off an email to MC and MB.  Felt a little better afterwards but still cried all the way home.  Here’s MB’s email back to me:

“In my ideal world, I would be at your house right now watching your kids while you went to class.  I would be feeding them dinner  and getting ready for  bath and we would play before I put them to bed.  You might have to stay home with them tomorrow because of the RSV, so you would be the one out with the sub and I would tell you that I could tell that a fever was off and on but that we had had a good night together, like always.  I would show you the funny, funny pictures that I had taken of them and we could discuss whether they would like Monster Jam next year.  I would say that I had plenty of hair dye, so no need to buy more and I already had enough tickets for all of you.

I’m sorry that you had a shitty day and tomorrow will be shitty too.  And I’m sorry you can’t be home taking care of kids with RSV.

At least YOU are not an obnoxious %@^+ who is making a class damned near impossible for a student.  YOU are the OPPOSITE.  YOU are someone who is going out into the world trying to make a difference in peoples’ lives and make them happy by doing the pay it forward project.

I did my first one Saturday- I gave money to a homeless person coming out of Monster Jam.
I usually pass them by in St. Louis because I guess you never know if they’re scamming or not.  I decided that I had just spent a butt load of money on myself and entertainment, and that if I was able to, I would be taking YOUR kids with me to Monster Jam, being Cool Aunt MO.
So, I slipped some $$ to a homeless dude on the way back to the car with one of your cards. R was like, “What the heck are you doing? He’s probably not even homeless.”
And I said, “I’m trying to pay it forward and thinking about some special little boys.  Sometimes you just have to believe people.”
So there you go.  Hopefully Jack and Aaron helped him grab a bite to eat or something that night.

I play pretend like this in my daydreams a lot…it was good to have someone pretend with me.  I know the boys and I would have laughed this year at MB’s funny, green haired pics at Monster Jam.

Tuesdays I’m usually exhausted and cranky anyway from being in class the night before.Today, I had to cover ES’s class again for a short time until my roommate relieved me.  It’s not her job either.  I had been asked to help chaperon the third grade field trip to a D.isney concert.  It was a lovely concert, familiar music and well done.  Many of the other audience members had toddlers.  A little, round faced, bright eyed towhead peeking over his mother’s shoulder in the section in front of us………….

This is all on the heels of a stretch of time during which I felt really positive and good.  Many days went by without tears.  I don’t think I even cried on Jack and Aaron’s due date.  RK the Counselor said she hadn’t seen me looking or sounding so good in years.  I was actually thinking about cutting down the dose of my medication.   Ha…

I’m going to bed one hour early tonight and tomorrow will be better.


3 comments on “Past Few Days

  1. So sorry it was a rough time and that it has taken me so long to respond. Hoping things are a little better now.

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