Foster Parenting Class – The first and second of nine sessions was yesterday. There are ten of us in the class. With the exception of myself and another fellow, the participants are couples in their 20s and 30s with similar stories – “always wanted kids (or more kids or to adopt) and want to do good in the world.” The other lone fellow was there as some sort of requirement to “get his kids back.” His wife had already taken the classes. I told the truth during introductions…that I’d been through four years of infertility and infant loss hell but still felt a strong call to be a mother.” I also talked a little about A and how I’d felt she’d “slipped through the cracks.” and maybe I could prevent another child from slipping. It made me pensive to realize what an oddball I am in this environment of hopeful youth.
The teacher is very nice and lives quite near me. She’s been a foster parent for 15 years and teaching these classes for 10. There wasn’t much new information in the curriculum itself but Teacher was very knowledgeable and open to halting the formal curriculum to answer questions which we had a ton of. Many of the answers were variations of “it’s different from case to case” or “each child is different” She talked a lot about her current foster children, a Hispanic teenager, a biracial seventh grader and an African American 6 year old each with their own set of issues but all sweet and helpful. These two sessions were all about being a team with what seems like the hundreds of people involved in the kids’ well being including their parents and helping the children adjust and heal from the traumatic experiences they have had.
Only one thing she talked about had me thinking second thoughts. She talked about the time it takes to care for the children and make sure they get to all their appointments. She and her husband decided she should go part-time with her work so that she could spend time with them all and get them to where they need to be. Obviously, there is only me and no chance I can work part-time which leaves me wondering not if I can do it but if I can really do a proper service to the children in my care. I won’t let it stop me from trying. Not that long ago, I was going to do it with my twins and there was no question..I was going to make it work. I know my children wouldn’t have had the kind of trauma these will have and I know my home would be a good environment. I will also try to make it a healing one for those who come to me.
There was also the issue of giving them back and indeed WORKING WITH their birth parents. That will be difficult and hard on my heart. But I know most of them will go back…it just CANNOT hurt more than having my own torn from me. Sooo I’m still pledging to try this. Pray for us.
Gyno Checkup – How I hate going to that place. Fucking hate it. Still. Always? A shame because the doctor is gentle and understanding. The exam itself is the least of what I hate. If he wasn’t in charge of doling out medicine that enables me to function, I would never go there again. He agreed to allow me to try a half dose of my survival medication this summer. Now, he’s put me on birth control. I know it’s to regulate my periods but it’s a grim reminder that there is no hope for me to have a baby. ever…no hope at all.
Confirmation – I’ve been going with Dollface and her friend. It fills my heart to be able to do this for and with her. T and C are also going with their daughter. At the last class, Pastor J asked if it was getting too boring. The younger children all nodded while T and I who had our own childhood stints in confirmation classes years ago, both agreed we weren’t bored at all and that we were learning a lot. Funny what you bring to the same material as an adult.
WW – I’m officially down 25 pounds as of yesterday. I have lost something each week even if only .3. Praying that trend continues. My beginning of the year pledge was to lose 50-80 this year. It makes me feel hopeful that I’m at the half way mark of the low end of the goal. Having Em, T and C go with me has definitely made the difference. So far I’ve taken Saturdays “off”…off from tracking my food but it seems every few weeks I have to go overboard and prove to myself that this type of eating is no longer tolerated by my body usually this manifests itself by me getting sick in the middle of the night.
Easter – Pretty rough if I’m telling the truth. I miss my boys so badly and no one else seems to notice they are missing. I think about the toddlers and the preschooler who should be running around overly excited finding eggs and eating too much candy. Their pictures in the green of spring would have been perfect. Jack and Aaron should have been about a year and a half and Greyson should have been about 4 and finishing pre-k. We should have been beginning our own Easter and spring traditions. I visited the cemetery instead and took these:
I created a whole scenario of what could have been and it seemed these stuffed bunnies acted just the way the children themselves might have. The twin bunnies were mischievous and sort of all over the place like Jack and Aaron would have been. I had to work with them a while to make them sit up straight in the photo but my big boy’s bunny sat right up and didn’t give me any trouble just like I know Greyson would have. Little Mavis Emily was just so sweet and wanted to look pretty. She would have been a sweet, pretty little girl.
Our angel has had a make over. She’s been turned and all the scrub around her trimmed and taken away. Now she is looking down the hill, literally looking over the boys. I’ve never been able to get such clear shots of her. I do kind of miss the mysteriousness of seeing her lurking in her alcove of vegetation though.