Christmas Letters 2015

Dear Sweet Greyson,

You are a big brother this year.  Although, if you’d lived you’d be about 4 years younger than Sunny, I still consider you the oldest of my children.  I’m sure I always will.   You were the first to teach me what a mother’s heart feels like when she loves her first born.  She’s very curious about you, Sweet Pea, and is always asking questions.   I know Sunny would love you and be close with you.

You’d be about 5 years old this year, my big boy.    I wish I could see what you would have looked like and known your personality.  I always envision you as my quiet, shy, light haired boy.  I wonder how you would have handled pre-k and would you have met a best friend.    I think you would have been our dog’s favorite buddy and she would have followed you everywhere.  I like to picture you tromping everywhere over the farm in little work boots following Paw Paw and your uncle around and getting dirty as only farm kids can.  I imagine I would have bandaided many scrapes and kissed many bruises by now.

I know by now you’d be into L.egos and other building toys.  Maybe race cars too.  Certainly John Deere tractors. Your Aunts MC and MB would be spoiling you like crazy, this I know for sure, because they are spoiling your sister as I wish they’d had a chance to spoiled you.  Maybe you’d write to Santa this year and pick out a favorite part of the Christmas story. Perhaps your big gift from Santa would be a bike or a scooter or a hamster.

Christmas at our house has been very different this year, my sweet son. There’s a nine year old here who is absolutely bursting with the Spirit of the Season and she has pulled me along with her.  I hope I have made it magical for her as I would have for you.  I still think of you and miss you every day.  Sometimes my grief is still so raw I’m crabby with your sister but some days are good.  Some are wonderful.  Some are filled with traditions and simple joys that I dreamed of having with you and your brothers but that I never thought I’d get a chance to do in real life.

So much of having Sunny here with me makes me think of you and while I cherish my time with her, I miss you so much.  It takes my breath away sometimes.  My family will never feel complete without you.  My heart will never be complete without you.

I will love you always and forever, my oldest son.


75/365 - Missing Them All at Christmastime

To My Sweet Boys, Jack and Aaron,

You would have been about 2 this year.  Two year old twin boys…what would that have been like?  I wonder all the time.  Now that I have your sister living with me, and I can barely keep up with the housework, I know it would have been crazy and messy, and fun and noisy.

I miss you both more than you could ever know.  I think about the day you were born often and relive holding you and feeling your warmth in my arms.  I would trade everything if you could have lived.  I hope you are running around Heaven with your brother and sister and your dog, Clara and having a rip-roaring time.

You would have been into everything this Christmas and I don’t know how I would have gotten done all I needed to and kept my sanity.  Would you have been potty training in the middle of it all?  Would one of you be into singing Christmas songs while the other more into baking treats?  I think about you all the time and wonder about your personalities.  Jack, I envision you to be rambunctious and loud and a little ornery.  Aaron, I imagine you to be a bit quieter but funny, my loving little boy.

I wonder what Santa would have brought you this year.  Maybe matching tricycles or a red wagon to share.  Tractors and trucks.  You would have lacked for nothing, my sweet ones.  I wish I could have seen your aunties and grandparents spoiling you and your uncle rough housing with you. You would have been so very loved, my twin Sparks.

My heart aches for you both.  I can never be complete without you, Jack and Aaron.  I will always love you more than words can express.





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